Wednesday, September 24, 2008

A poet once said, "All our words are but crumbs that fall down from the feast of the mind."

I hadn't been updating my blog for the past year simply because the buffet table is empty. I'm not sure how to explain it except that the juices stopped flowing. Something happened that made me hit the pause button. 

I hadn't been working for just as long so I'm like literally broke which, is to say that the time spent in the hiatus had not been entirely unproductive. I went back to school to further my studies and maybe I'll land a pretty decent job in the near future. The courses started out with me taking up the social sciences but I reiterated halfway to focus on a business core. 

Classes are interesting except for the IT stuff. I'm not saying that they aren't interesting but it's pretty dry stuff to absorb. Besides, there wasn't anything new for me there. To be fair, I had taken up computer science several years ago. I hated the programming modules cos it made my head feel funny every time we had to write a program. It makes me focus real hard and lose awareness of everything around me- once I had like 3 or 4 guys literally screaming for my attention cos I kinda switched them off. It happens. So anyway, there's also Math classes that I had to take, particularly Statistics. 

Also made some new friends. Well, actually they kinda approached me and tried to break the ice. I was civil. What else can I say? Oh, and they mistook me for an Indonesian or a Stani (stah-nee). Ok, Stani is just something I came up with to stereotype all those people in central asia and those not, like Pakistan and Afghanistan. Whatever.

Now that I've reasonably brought my hiatus to speed, I guess it's time for me to get to the core of this entry. I have wrote a lot of entries in the past depicting voids and my impression of things around me. And because of that, I have been accused of having a good insight. I'd say that it's just because I'm able to distance myself. But the thing is, everything I wrote before is a deep mystery to me. When it comes to emotions, I'm not particularly clueless. Just that it's difficult to relate. 

There was an entry where I wrote that I enjoy being with my close friends who are having meaningful conversations but with me not contributing at all. This is because I don't know if I should and if I did want to, I wouldn't know what to say. And on those times where I do actually open my mouth, it's usually some random joke or punchline that leaves everyone else gaping at me. Otherwise, I'd give an honest thought or opinion that often comes off which, a friend termed it as 'abrasive'. So, I made a choice to keep my mouth shut. It's better this way cos I don't really like to talk at all. I think I'm silly when I do it. Which is fine as it made me a better listener. 

The thing is, I do 'odd' things. I personally think they aren't, but. I've been labelled many things. Weird is one of them. I don't really care but when there's too many labels, it kinda motivate you to find empirical evidence. And recently, I stumbled upon a revelation. I found out something about myself that took me by surprise on so many levels. The good thing about it was that it answered all these questions that I had. I knew ever since I was a child that I was different from the other kids. Or why I keep failing at relationships -which made me totally question myself about the whole sexuality thing! Growing up, I was too busy trying to mimick what everybody else was doing, with little success and it's time I stop trying to be who I am not. I've come to terms and accept myself. I don't know how many of my 'friends' are reading this blog and I'm not sure I wanna face that just yet. But if you are a 'friend' and you're reading this, I only ask you not to judge. At this stage of my life, I'm coming out to myself. 


And I kinda like it that way...

"No man can reveal to you nothing but that which already lies half-asleep in the dawning of your knowledge."