Saturday, January 09, 2010

I know...don't ever seem to have the time nor the leisure. Many things happened. Hoping to pick it up again. Was hoping this new year, things'll be different. so there...

Thursday, October 30, 2008


Life was much simpler when I was a kid. My family wasn't well off but we got by decently. Most of the toys I had were handed down by my brother. I had this fire truck made from a block of wood. It had a bell on it and a ladder. I used to lie on my tummy for hours playing with it. Actually, I wasn't really playing with it, rather I was fixated on it. I would just look at it and touching every part of it as if I'm trying to understand how each part works. I don't have that many toys so I sometimes improvised. The umbrella was a popular prop in my repertoire. Not that I used it for a re-enactment of Mary Poppins, I assure you. I was really into science-fiction and in those days there was a show called Space 1999. It had all these techno gadgets and space ships that really excited me. Anyway, I never made passed 15 mins of the show before I went on to stage my own Space 1999.

Which reminds me, tv shows and movies are major triggers to my spacing out, that's why I don't last long watching them. I had to constantly shift my focus elsewhere before returning to watch it. But allow me to digress a bit.

There's 2 different spacing-out that I do. The 1st would be like high on weed kinda spacing out. Yeah, no kidding. The 2nd would be totally hyper-focused type of spacing-out. This usually happens when I'm working on or doing something. I would just be too focused on it that I tune out everything around me. Some of my friends were amazed that I could carry on doing calculus with chaos around me as if it were nothing. Sometimes, I deliberately listen to metal music to focus on my studies. It's like a neat trick actually. 

Back to the story, I basically pretended that the umbrella was a satellite dish. I would open up almost every umbrella in the house, which drove my mom nuts, until I reach this paper umbrella we had. Its a green colored umbrella made of paper and wood. It had this smell, akin to sandalwood that I liked. I would keep opening it and closing it and look at the spokes inside the umbrella move. It carried on for a period of time until my mom got fed up, I think, and told me that a snake will come out of the umbrellas if I keep playing with it in the house! 

Growing up in the typical malay ghetto, I was fed with many old wives tales and superstitions. I remembered one in particular which is pegged by a memory of when I was around five years old; I had been playing with a paper umbrella, imagining it was a satellite dish with an awesome capability of shooting out laser beams at the neighbouring block of flat. My mother was a stern disciplinarian, and when she caught sight of what I was doing, she relieved me of my space oddity and told me that opening an umbrella in the house was a bad omen. Upon seeing how I just staring at her blankly, she prompted further, telling me that a snake may appear if one insists on playing with the brolly within the house. I was dumbfounded at the then recently supplied information. 

Usually, a malay kid, during my time, would pretty well leave it alone. Me however, started to analyse scientifically as to how in the hell could a snake appear out of the paper brolly? It became an obsession. I began to think that if it could really materialize snakes out of thin air, then an umbrella is truly an ingenious piece of invention! It's the whole satellite shape & structure of it! It could somehow metaphysically induce teleportation beyond the grasp of technology of that time! Thus began the lab observation for me. Of course when my parents weren't at home when I conducted it. I would open up the paper umbrella and stare at it for hours. My brother used to tease me that I've gone fruit loops, while my sister would just be amused by my idiosyncracy. After a couple of days, I deduced, to my own disappointment, that a paper umbrella does not have the abilities I thought it would. Frustrated, I confronted my parents, paper umbrella in one hand, my rubber hammer in the other. I handed the umbrella to my mother and asked her to open it and that if a snake did come out of thin air, I'd clobber it with my hammer. Show me the magic! It was my mother's turn to be dumbfounded. My dad, he just looked at and me and let out the most hearty laugh.

I was six when an incident happened that made me realized something. There were some sporting event going on and everybody was watching the tube. I remembered not understanding why everybody got all excited about. The tube was going on about athletes breaking records when it hit me. Well, if that was all it took to impress people, that's easy. So I went into my father's collection and broke a few records (vinyl). Well the reaction I got from everyone wasn't what I really expected. There are many incidents similar to this one. I take things literally. Nowadays, even. Sometimes people would talk to me but it takes awhile for me to respond. When this happens, I usually kinda take a breather and take the time to analyse what was relayed to me so as not to appear I was taking it literally. It took a lifetime for me to train myself. To others, I appear seemingly dense.

I had my share of nasty remarks thrown at me regarding this while my friends made fun of it thinking that I was clowning around. I even got labelled as the clown within my circle of friends. A label I just took to satisfy the need to belong. Nowadays, I know better.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Me, Myself & I...


There are may things in my lifetime that I do not truly understand. My initial thought regarding alot of things was that, as I move through time, I'd mature and soon those mysteries would unravel. Besides, isn't that what people say all the time? "Someday you'll understand." Which, is to suggest that, in time, I will come across a similar situation, and because I'm dealing with it, I would be able to comprehend it. "It" being a relative term. Hence, my dilemma.

The thing is, over time, I would probably be better equipped in dealing with 'It", simply because of experience. Not by my own person but by way of observation and literature. Having knowledge about "It" allows me to deal with it, with uncanny precision even. Yet, it doesn't mean I understood. Or why "It" should be dealt with as such.

Let's leave "It" for a moment as you, the reader, may not be able to make out the point I;m making at the moment. But, you will.

For those who knows me, a few or maybe a lot of things that is about to be mentioned may sound ludicrous or strange/far-fetched. Well, if that happens, relax. Nobody's perfect, especially me.

I was frowned upon when I was a kid growing up. Why? Simply because I did a series of odd things in my time. And I don't play well with others. Not that I was a pitbull or anything, it's just that I wasn't interested in mixing it up with other kids. On times that I actually do play with other kids; I was forced to. Got no choice when you're up against stern Sisters at the convent pre school. Of times I was mixing it up out of freewill, it's because I needed numbers to achieve my objective. I didn't actually do that to make friends or make merry. In a way, I just used them. After all that, I would go about my own business in a corner somewhere.

Reading came naturally to me. I remembered being able to read as early as 3 years old. I know that nowadays whats with the pre-school programmes and such, kids are able to read simple vocabs. Nothing special about it. Except, I wasn't reading picture cards. It was the Straits Times. Though, I have always attributed this to my late father's habit of deep reading. He used to read with me on his lap thus, he may have imparted some reading skills albeit undeliberate. Then I would have weird fascination with certain words. Not due to its meanings but rather how it sounded. Sometimes, it would be phrases. "Of course" was one them. Don't ask me why. I was fascinated with the word "Phoenix" for a long, long time, even to the point of obsessing about it. As a result, kindergarten was pretty boring for me, the only thing I was really learning was Chinese. I got a lot of grief as to how I wouldn't listen to teachers and stuff, because I'd go on about my own business most of the time. Oh, and I like to snatch things from other kids. They're usually crayons. I simply wanted to use 'em. I got whacked by my mom for that. I didn't know what I did wrong except I was never to snatch things from other kids. On top of that, teachers wrote that I was "dreaming in class" in my report card.

I supposedly 'dreamt' in class all the way to secondary school. No kidding. Teachers were probably annoyed and wrote it my report book. It became a norm to my parents whenever I did badly in assessments or exams, to attribute it to my "dreaming in class", and that I wasn't paying attention to what was delivered during lessons. I can't argue about that. Frankly, school was hell for me. All the attention and focus I had to give was driving me nuts. But everybody else was doing it, so I struggled. I totally have a problem about spacing out. I space out constantly. The only thing I do to stop it is by looking at people's eyes when they speak. This is a problem for me because I feel very agitated staring into people's eyes. Through the years, I had trained myself to appear normal when conversing with other people because they often look at me funny when I don't. I didn't realize it was rude not to look at them when they are talking. In the early years, when people talk to me, I would look at something else. The trunk of their body for example. Or feet. The worst will be me fixating at other things. My parents would often 'correct' me on this. It was for the best, I thought because I would space out if I don't force myself. I've come across many people who are annoyed at me for ignoring them, or at least it's what they thought. There were many times when my friends saw me down the street and call my name out only to find me unresponsive, even after waving wildly at me. Sometimes, they were even standing beside me and talking to me and I wouldn't have a clue. It was embarrassing to say the least. To make it up, I would apologize and suggested that they should give me a little nudge in the future, if it happens again. More often than not, I would give the excuse of having my attention on some hot chick passing by to cover up. I constantly had to make up excuses or lied. I became real good at lying to cover up whatever I was doing because I didn't want to appear as being retarded and laughed along with my friends, passing it as something silly. If only they all knew it's because I couldn't help it. This trait is the foundation of what people would describe me as being: aloof, distant, dreamer....etc.

Over the years, I managed to somewhat control myself from spacing out too far. Though I'll admit it's such a chore. When I was young, spacing out could prove to be dangerous. There were times that I could've gotten seriously hurt because I wasn't aware of things around me.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

We have been told time and again that perception is reality. In a sense, It is true; our perception do color what we think, say and do. It affects our behavior. For example, we can cary a perception that our treatment of others as merely being 'candid', or 'honest'. We often hear the people who like to proclaim themselves as being straightforward. And because they perceive the attitude they express as being acceptable, they fail to see that others may interpret the behavior as rude treatment of others. They hold on to that perception right until someone think they had enough putting up with their crap and decides to put them in their place! Still people carry on thinking what they do is 'right'.

Our perception have intrinsic value only as they correspond closely to the reality that surrounds us. Illusions leads to confusion, inconsistency and they sabotage our goals.

Why does it work?

Illusions are powerful attractions that, in turn, give off powerful suggestions in our minds. So much that it compels us to discard reality and embrace the false hope it portrays. It's also very easy to base our lives on tradition and 2nd hand opinions - better to make decisions on hearsay, presumptions and inferences than to think for ourselves. We cannot deny that the truth is often ugly. It is ugly because we are in a constant state of denial. To embrace it, is to admit to one self's flaws and weakness. Thus, better a pleasant lie rather than the ugly truth.

The fact is, Perception isn't reality. Perception is perception and it could be either right or wrong, good or bad. It all depends on, to a great extent, how well it aligns in the long run with reality. (James R. Lucas)

"People live their lives bound by what they accept as correct and true. That's how they define reality. But, what does it mean to be 'correct' or 'true'? Merely vague concepts. Their reality may all be an illusion. Can we consider them simply be living in their oen world, shaped y their own beliefs?" (Uchiha Itachi)

Friday, September 26, 2008

How many times has it been that we find ourselves tuck away in a corner on a weekend with nothing to do but ponder? 

Those who are lucky enough to get themselves busy doing something somehow realize in their midst of choring, it’ll last just as long as it is done. 

Ultimately our imperfection pave way to a greater need in our very existence. We need a companion in this life no matter how fiercely independent we are. We need to personify our confidence in this reality. Thus, the need to enter into a relationship.

Abraham Maslow classified this behavior as a psychological need in his hierarchy. The human need to be loved and give love. It was a form of self validation. Apparently, we all need our existence to be acknowledged. We need to be important. And in turn, we acknowledge the significance of others' existence. 

....I truly have no idea where I'm going with this....if I ever had a point, it had eluded by the 2nd sentence....anyway...

"Everyone in the world need someone that they can depend on, be they faithful friends, determined advocates or a loving family. But occasionally in life, the people we thought would always be there for us leave. And if that happens, it's amazing the lengths we go to, to get them back."


Wednesday, September 24, 2008

A poet once said, "All our words are but crumbs that fall down from the feast of the mind."

I hadn't been updating my blog for the past year simply because the buffet table is empty. I'm not sure how to explain it except that the juices stopped flowing. Something happened that made me hit the pause button. 

I hadn't been working for just as long so I'm like literally broke which, is to say that the time spent in the hiatus had not been entirely unproductive. I went back to school to further my studies and maybe I'll land a pretty decent job in the near future. The courses started out with me taking up the social sciences but I reiterated halfway to focus on a business core. 

Classes are interesting except for the IT stuff. I'm not saying that they aren't interesting but it's pretty dry stuff to absorb. Besides, there wasn't anything new for me there. To be fair, I had taken up computer science several years ago. I hated the programming modules cos it made my head feel funny every time we had to write a program. It makes me focus real hard and lose awareness of everything around me- once I had like 3 or 4 guys literally screaming for my attention cos I kinda switched them off. It happens. So anyway, there's also Math classes that I had to take, particularly Statistics. 

Also made some new friends. Well, actually they kinda approached me and tried to break the ice. I was civil. What else can I say? Oh, and they mistook me for an Indonesian or a Stani (stah-nee). Ok, Stani is just something I came up with to stereotype all those people in central asia and those not, like Pakistan and Afghanistan. Whatever.

Now that I've reasonably brought my hiatus to speed, I guess it's time for me to get to the core of this entry. I have wrote a lot of entries in the past depicting voids and my impression of things around me. And because of that, I have been accused of having a good insight. I'd say that it's just because I'm able to distance myself. But the thing is, everything I wrote before is a deep mystery to me. When it comes to emotions, I'm not particularly clueless. Just that it's difficult to relate. 

There was an entry where I wrote that I enjoy being with my close friends who are having meaningful conversations but with me not contributing at all. This is because I don't know if I should and if I did want to, I wouldn't know what to say. And on those times where I do actually open my mouth, it's usually some random joke or punchline that leaves everyone else gaping at me. Otherwise, I'd give an honest thought or opinion that often comes off which, a friend termed it as 'abrasive'. So, I made a choice to keep my mouth shut. It's better this way cos I don't really like to talk at all. I think I'm silly when I do it. Which is fine as it made me a better listener. 

The thing is, I do 'odd' things. I personally think they aren't, but. I've been labelled many things. Weird is one of them. I don't really care but when there's too many labels, it kinda motivate you to find empirical evidence. And recently, I stumbled upon a revelation. I found out something about myself that took me by surprise on so many levels. The good thing about it was that it answered all these questions that I had. I knew ever since I was a child that I was different from the other kids. Or why I keep failing at relationships -which made me totally question myself about the whole sexuality thing! Growing up, I was too busy trying to mimick what everybody else was doing, with little success and it's time I stop trying to be who I am not. I've come to terms and accept myself. I don't know how many of my 'friends' are reading this blog and I'm not sure I wanna face that just yet. But if you are a 'friend' and you're reading this, I only ask you not to judge. At this stage of my life, I'm coming out to myself. 


And I kinda like it that way...

"No man can reveal to you nothing but that which already lies half-asleep in the dawning of your knowledge."

Saturday, August 04, 2007

People always choose to see magicks & parlor tricks.
Old people with squinted eyes and ragged wigs.
Sitting high with handful of beads.
With whose strength without that each eth seek'd.
But say ye foul with mouth's beak.