Monday, September 29, 2003

reluctance of joy BY Red

Would that if I'm able to leap & sing to my heart's content that I would, I really would. But what is it that claimed me otherwise is somewhat a sombre expression that had begun in which even I could not start to comprehend (let alone others...). I should be laughing, smiling profusely because forces which are beyond my control inadvertantly decided that the time had come for one to embrace the kiss of a man whom had, long before my time, faded & immortalized in a scripture that Man would have died for. For all that I had given 2 halves of a third of both anti & post meridianal activity. I'm feeling superfluous but rewarded like any other that've done the same.
How can I? How could I when thousands suffered in silence were that do my suffering pales in comparison? No, I don't think so, nor the average sheep.

Why then is there this reluctance of joy that I feel as we were taught to be content & grateful for the things we have & do not?

Suddenly I felt the need to be in another place & I hate it when they say they do not understand when all they did was choose not to.

Ultimately I succumbed, broken at the thought taht I am so easily the fact I, unmistakably knew at first light like always, that I could & will leap out of my 5 by 4 foot cubicle & run out of the office with the silliest grin I could muster & screaming at the top of my lungs, "I shall not & refuse to spend a second longer of my time in the office!!!"
With that, I'm

There is a thought that lingers at the back of my mind in which I will forever wonder, possible.
Pulsing aggravation of what calm vision, discreet in its bleeding of thoughts in a path of neurosis while darting myopia in shades of brown, nestled lubrication in its crown, overflowed. Subconsciously clutching my center, overbearing this sense of loss in equilibrium. My balance off, jaunted by phantoms of conscience.
Yet, I deny nature of the satisfaction meant for those around me to leave me incarcerated. For I am the font of calmness and that is the expression of my physique, projected in empty glass of frosted windows of a supposed soul. Not to embrace this winter a means to an end. I am borne free and boundless shall I be, almost. With one single thought that lingers, I am bounded still, I am human. Lost am I not?
Blind census by aredz

Fear is the element that will consume
Right off your bed & straight into your tomb
Fear is that something you don't comprehend
Or fail to? Or refuse? That when you did, you made no amends

O ye who believes; It will consume.

Blind is what you choose
Over millions of visions of truth
Blind are the visionary
Whose fear shaped children's life-wrenching noose

O ye who believes; It will be their tomb

Pride you fear to lose as vanity prevails
Bring your hand down to clamp mouths of those who wailed
Deafening the silence that grows louder each day
Deaf to deaths as your parable, you give away

O ye who believes; the deafening silence of those slain

Do you not know what you had done?
Do you not see the tears scarred face in the light of the blinding sun?
Do you not hear the heart wrenching cries of fathers in the arms of their dying sons?
The blood that weeps in the womb of their daughters?
The tears that bleeds for a fallen mother?

O ye who believes; Let us pray...

Fate has decided that I may not be the contender of "Bummer of the Year" anymore...sheesh...and I know that many of my bros are getting restless at the sight o me bumming.

How long has it been? One & one half years...? And yeah, most of them almost couldn't believe it when I announced that I was gonna quit my job then. What was I thinking? D'uh! Alot of reasons. The pay I got was superb...but it aint doing it for me, the job I mean.

But then again, truly, I never regretted quittin my last job. It was by choice. True there were hard times, but I learned alot from my bumming experience. In losing, I gained. I rekindled old friendships, gained knowledge & new friends, honed my skills & instincts, and even humbled. Looking back, it's almost as if it was destined. And through early morning walks heading home, I bonded with my mentor. It was during these moments that I realized I am living in a parallel with him. I went to a place, for a awhile, free of worldly evils and I am glad that even at that point, just for a moment. There's hope yet for I thank him for his thoughts.

And so without any further ado...may I present to you, moi, as the newest Interior Design & Architecture designer extraordinaire! What can I say...but with borrowed dictum...good things come to those who waits....

Friday, September 19, 2003


Alot happened since my last blog entry but I wasn't able to blog as I was out of juice.
I consider myself lucky in life albeit all the drama I experienced because life has a funny way of making things fall into places for me. I admit this is one reason why I may appear to most people I know as very laid back. And I like it that way until recently; for those who know me dearly knew I see things sometimes. That should be good thing. Only now, I seem to experience things. That my frens can be depressing.
Whatever it is, it gave me a broader insight of my life. I couldn't have cared less what other people think of me, as long as I know what I'm doing. And I am thankful to Him for giving me vision in my own capacity.
I do not seek wealth yet I find wealth around me. I do not have brothers I've always wanted yet now I have them. What more could I ask for? These are just a few of the things I might've subconciously wished for and it fell into place for me.
And I stared sometimes into the eyes of a brother, I wonder. Does he realize how lucky he is? To have the things that I don't, to be what I can't or even to be loved by people around him?
True, there may be others who may accuse me of a sponge but it doesn't matter because I ain't. What I give, I give freely and perhaps that is why it falls into place for me. I pray for that brother that he'd be cured of his myopia and realize that what is, is and that he is one lucky sonofagun! Well, DOMINO!